All vibes welcome: understanding toxic positivity
At some point in the last three years, the internet finally agreed: pulling yourself up by your bootstraps just wasn’t going to cut it as real advice anymore. Influencers and pop-culture personalities who, in 2019, were the purveyors of positivity found themselves cancelled by 2021.
We’ve all been on the receiving end of perhaps well-intentioned advice, toxic positivity, or just plain denial—sometimes without even realizing it. Maybe someone used relativity to dismiss your woes, or told you, “everything will work out,” when you were going through something difficult. Here’s how to cope if you’re on the receiving end—and what to say instead if you’re the optimist.
“The desire for a more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience. ”
Confession: I’m guilty of toxic positivity, big time.
Earlier in life, I would have told you everything happens for a reason. Now I know: sometimes things just happen. Sometimes they’re great! Sometimes not. Striving for every bad thing to have meaning or turn out for the better left me feeling exhausted, burned out and frustrated with things I couldn’t change.
On social media, what can seem like an obvious message you’d want to tell your friends—spreading positivity!—doesn’t really show the whole picture IRL. And yet, we all believe our friends’ lives are just as wonderful as they look on Instagram. At least I did.
The truth: no one is happy all the time.
I’ve lived that line between well-intentioned positivity and destructive denial. I’ve defaulted to sunny, cheerful points of view—then too late, expressed concern and understanding for a difficult situation.
While well-intentioned, my sunny outlook was a missed opportunity to provide meaningful support. Part of me wonders what might have happened to those by-gone friendships if I was able to just say: “This sucks. There might not be a bright side to this situation. I’m here for you—let me know how I can help.”
On the receiving end? Now that I know, I wish my friend had sounded the alarm. Even something as simple as, “I just want to vent and get your support.” That would have done the trick.
More deeply, this dialogue happens in my own head, too. Call it perfectionism, call it unrealistic expectations, or call it insecurity. No matter its name, I have to remind myself on the daily that I’m only human. I make mistakes. I’m far from perfect. And that’s okay.
For now, I’m learning to be comfortable being uncomfortable. This is the real world we live in—and we’re all doing our best despite imperfect conditions.